My little brother never fails to disappoint in giving us a good story(1). Whether he’s falling out of the bed, jumping an eight-foot privacy fence, or dancing to Wild Horses, he’s entertaining. But he’s really made it hard to top himself the night of the “Chick Car” slash “Michael Phelps is a Great Olympid” night.
Andrea got a call at 4:00 a.m. in the morning from an inebriate LB. He had parked at a friend’s house and she hadn’t been there, so she came into my room to ask me directions. I sleepily grumbled them to her and went back to sleep. This is a recount of what I heard when in the morning:
“So I go to pick Kevin up, and he all comes up to the car and is like, ‘hey, why don’t you follow me home.’ I’m like ‘No. No, Kevin. Get in the car.’ ‘Ok,” he says. So he gets in. I look at the time and I see it is four, so I say, ‘Hey Kevin, if you would’ve waited an hour, we could have fresh Donut Bank donuts(2).’ ‘Well, let’s go, let’s go then,’ Kevin tells me.
“’I’m like no.’ So we’re driving and we pass a car and the car flashes his lights at me cause because I forgot to dim lights. Kevin starts saying ‘What the fuck man! What the fuck! I’ll fucking get out of this car and smoke you! I may be driving a chick car, but I’ll smoke you in your face. You’ll go home and you’re wife’ll say: Oh, what happened to your face? And he’ll all be like: I got smoke by some dude in a chick car!’
“So, I’m all cracking up about this, and then we pull onto the road and Kevin leans over and starts hitting my sun visor. I say, ‘Hey! Stop that!’ And Kevin says ‘Why are you moving my shit,’ And I’m all like ‘Hello! You’re in my car!”
Anyway, the two of them troupe into the house. Kevin goes into my room, finds me fast asleep and proceeds to jump on me and hunch me(3)
I wake up and I hear “I love the Olympiad. This is the greatest Olympiad. Michael Phelps is the greatest Olympid,” he says and starts going on and on. And somehow he gets sidetracked and starts talking about softball and how he’s a softball machine and people in Denmark cannot match his skill. This leads into his story of Kevin Johnson.
“Kevin Johnson is the greatest softball player that ever lived,” he starts saying.. “Kevin Johnson could beat Denmark by himself!” He keeps on about Kevin Johnson. “People in Denmark are scared of Kevin Johnson.”
“Why?” I ask.
He looks at me and then says, “Because he cuts their bushes…he cuts their bushes into penises! At night when the Danish people go to sleep, he cuts their bushes into penises and then the Danish people come out of their homes and get scared because Kevin Johnson is like Mother-fucking Edward Scissorhands. Kevin Scissorhands, I mean Kevin Johnson is fucking amazing. He cuts all them bushes at night.”
“So, he’s like Santa Claus.”
“He’s mother-fucking better than Santa Claus. Santa Claus only visits Christians and good kids, Kevin Claus(4) cuts everyone’s bushes, everyone in the world.
Of course, this gets a good laugh out of my sister and me and then we decide to bundle Kevin into bed. We escort him into his bedroom across the hall, but before we get him into bed, Andrea goes to laptop and plays a song – Wild Horses. For those of you who don’t know or have forgotten, this is the song that Buffalo Bill listens to in Silence of the Lambs. One morning(5) Kevin got up to find Andrea and me watching the movie. If just so happened that it was the scene where Buffalo Bill is dressing in the skin, dancing and asking who’d “fuck me(6).” Kevin comes through and heads on into the kitchen, then turns and begins dancing like B. Bill to that song. Andrea and I dissolved into laughter and often try to get him to reenact that scene. He responds much better to our goading while under the influence and began dancing around saying “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard,” and then he mimics(7) the tuck back. Andrea and Ican’t stop laughing and Kevin starts singing along to the song.
This night is best recalled by my sister who I caught on video talking about Kevin Johnson and scissorhands’ ways. Anyway, she relayed the story onto my Aunt and Uncle, Chris and Melody, who love this kind of drunken debauchery.
So, about two months later at my mother’s 50th Birthday party, Chris approaches my brother.
“It’s damndest thing,” he says. “Well,” he says when Kevin asks what, “I woke up one morning awhile back and someone cut all my damn bushes.”
“Yeah,” Kevin asks a smile creeping into his voice.
“Yeah,” Chris says, “And not only that, but someone cut them all into the shape of penises.”
“Really,” asks Kevin and then he bursts out laughing.
So beware of Kevin Johnson and his hedge trimmers. The penis-shaped bushes might belong to you.
1. Especially if he’s intoxicated.
2. The BEST donuts in the WORLD!
3. Nothing incestual here, I am under an extremely thick down comforter.
4. I can only assume he meant Johnson.
5. After drinking.
6. “I’d fuck me.”
7. Pretends to act like he is doing it while not actually doing it.
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