My sister is back in town. She was in Denmark for ten days. Life didn’t suck, but seeing as how she’s my best friend, I did miss her.
So last night, she called when her plane landed. I was a pageant judging the competitors, and it had just wrapped so I’m all dressed to the nines with my hair, my make up, and a pretty green dress and heels (and I did get compliments on the dress…sometimes it pays to have a dress-buying compulsion even though I may only wear said dress one time).
I come into the airport all dressed to the nines and see her standing with her falling out of a pony, a pair of Victoria’s Secret Led Zeppelin sweatpants, and a t-shirt that I’m sure she swiped from Hans before she left (Hans is 6’7, she’s 5’5).
She sees me and asks what I’m wearing. I tell her the pageant just wrapped and she says “How in the fuck are you going to dive for my luggage in that.”
“Like I care what anyone sees,” I say because honestly, a dress and make up will not stop me from making an ass of myself.
So we get home and ask her if she’s hungry because I’m pretty famished. She’s not, but always up for margaritas so we head to…wait for it…wait for it…Hacienda!
Seeing as how I’m an adventurous eater, I order the kids chicken strips and fries and began my first of two mugs of margarita.
I begin to fill Andrea in on what happened during the week, starting first with Manny Ramirez and his 50-day Viagra induced suspension.
“Aw, poor guy,” she says. “As if he doesn’t have enough problems getting it up, he now has to be suspended and everyone ahs to know. He just wants to have a little fun, to do it, you know.”
Now, I’m not sure what happened in the middle, but somehow we began talking about the Miracle Worker and Helen Keller. I know, I KNOW, that Helen Keller is a very successful individual and that we shouldn’t make fun of her, but if you watch her at the beginning of the movie THE MIRACLE WORKER and see her violent, non-sensical actions, it’s pretty damn funny.
I cough because a chick is smoking a cigarette nearby and just wafting smoke everywhere. I understand that we're in a bar, but please keep your smoke to yourself. That is how I feel.
Andrea says, "Home girl is just letting her smoke blow everywhere. That would be great if she caught her hair on fire. If we could see it go up in flames."
"Or if I was pyro," I say and snap my fingers in home girl's general direction.
Andrea starts cracking up and I mimic my finger snap several times. "That is a super power I would want to have. And how his lighter is attached to his wrist so he shoots fire kind of like Spiderman shoots his webs." I mimic Pyro or Spiderman shooting fire or webs, whichever you prefer, "Yeah," she says. "That'd be great.
Then the conversation inexplicably moved to Marvin Hamlish and Harry Hamlin. We really don’t know who Marvin Hamlish is, but Harry Hamlin is Lisa Rinna’s husband and was on Dancing with the Stars.
Then an advertisement for TAKEN came on and Andrea and I talked about how bad ass Liam Neeson was in that film and wondered why our father couldn’t be that cool.
“How cute is that,” Andrea said, “He got her a karaoke machine. I mean, he tried to be a good father.”
I laughed, “If I have a late meeting, I call people and tell them to be prepared because if I’m attack I’m going to start describing the person.”
“I think I’m going to make Hans take Karate. Or Jujitsu. Or Tae Kwon Do. Something because if my kid ever gets taken, I’m going to get them back.”
A few more quotes were said and then Andrea talked about the other movies she saw – Bride Wars, Hotel for Dogs, and Changeling. That prompted a phone call to Family Video to have them hold Bride Wars and Hotel for Dogs.
Anyway, we finish our margaritas and Andrea decides to blare Enrique Iglesias from the radio.
“Did I tell you Hans took me to see him in concert?” she says for the millionth time and then skips through to my favorite song of his.
She then turns the radio off and says, “Hans told me that he always closes with Hero and then Escape. And I was like, Escape? What is Escape? So he began to sing the chorus. And I was like, Oh! That’s the Stalker Song! And he was like no, Andrea, that is Escape!”
I laugh at her. Andrea has several Enrique CDs. And apparently she has never paid attention to the names of the song because she has obviously though the song “Escape” was named Stalker Song, a name a bestowed upon the song as it says “You can run, you can hide, but you can’t escape my love.”
The first time I heard this song, I was with my dear friend Henry. And we listened to the words and started cracking up because honestly, you either crack up or call the police when you hear someone say something like that. From that point on, we named it The Stalker Song. And whenever the Stalker Song played, I would phone Henry and sing it to him. I’m such a nice friend!
Anyway, we’re breaking it down to Stalker Song when we pull into the parking lot at Family Video and park next to a Fast and the Furious-style Beretta. We make fun of the car, head inside and rent our movies, and come out.
As we are pulling out, I glimpse at the bumper of the Beratta…there’s a bumper stick that says…
Who lit the fuse on your tampon.
And that…that is for me! I am out!
Ah, the good ol' Stalker Song.
ReplyDeleteJust remember.
You can. And you can hide. But you can't escape my CHAINSAW.