I admit to living with my head in the clouds a vast majority of the time.
It's just that...things in fiction are so much better than things in real life!
Its just that in fiction, Mr. Darcy asks me to marry him, Edward Dante swings in from a chandelier and kills my wretched, evil husband, and the Scarlet Pimpernel rescues me and my brother from the hands of Chauvelin and the future acquaintance of Mademoiselle La Guillotine.
So, does it come as a shock to anyone that at 11 p.m. at night, after drinking margaritas (made with vodka instead of tequila), I decided to cultivate a "Zombie Outbreak Plan" with my brother once he turned on Doomsday?
"So, where we would get a stock pile of weapons?" I asked Kevin.
I got a dirty look in return.
"I mean, like, come on...we need weapons to survive the zombies."
"Um, the armory?" he ventured.
"Would they have weapons there?"
"I don't see why not," he said.
"Ok, well, where could we hide? Like, would we have a command post?"
"I don't know," Kevin said.
"Or would we be nomads?" Kevin doesn't answer. "Probably nomands. So, we would probably be best off in a fuel-efficient SUV...do we know anyone with a fuel-efficient SUV?"
"No," Kevin says focused on Rhona Mitra and her hotness.
"Ok, I guess that means we need to hotwire the car since we can already break into cars (see "Oh You Know, Just Been Hanging Out Breaking Into My Car). Where we would learn this?"
Kevin doesn't say anything and chooses to communicate by shrugging his shoulders.
"Ok, so, like...where are we going to go? Just drive around? You know, a wagon might not be a bad idea. Yeah, I know, I hate wagons - they should all have wood panelling because the sport doesn't change the fact that your Mercedes is a STATION WAGON, but if zombies have taken over the world, I don't think I'm going to mind what I'm driving. Except that with the SUV, there is kind of room to stand and move around.
Kevin is silent.
"Agree?"
"Sure," he said.
"You know, you could get into this a little bit more. This is our survival plan."
"I'm pretty sure zombies aren't real."
"Really?" I asked in a petulant tone. "Do you know that? For a fact? Stranger things have happened, Kevin. Who knows what will happen in the future."
"I know. And zombies won't be happening."
"Yeah? Are you a psychic? Can you see the future? Will I have kids?"
"No," he said.
"Ok, good. Will I get married?"
"I only see what I want to see," Kevin said.
"How do you know you want to see a zombie invasion? Maybe you're in denial about zombies? Maybe your denial is blocking the zombies." He shook his head. "It could happen, Kevin. It could happen."
Without my brother's input, I formulated a plan for the HKs. We would get the biggest, fuel-efficient car available. And if the only thing available was Kevin's Jetta, then so be it. We would need to be on foot, on the move. The zombies would be on the move, and since we weren't kids lost in Toys 'R Us, it would behoove us to keep moving, to make us harder targets for the zombies to find.
Once in the Jetta or other fuel-efficient SUV, we would raid the armory for weapons. Of course, we would need to try to grab some blunt instruments from the house first seeing as how we had no guns here. There could be zombies hiding in the armory and I am not going out like that. A windshield wiper may kill, but no zombie ever will...now starvation...that's a definite maybe also.
Anyway, we would get to the armory. If any zombies were present, they would get blasted to the skull compliments of the blunt instruments we confiscated from the house. I would continue striking them across the head until I was absolutely sure they were dead. If I had a gun, I'm employ the double-tap method that the military uses. Only, I could out the shot to the heart. Zombies only die from blunt-force trauma to the head or brain stem.
Once the armory was raided, we would hit the road to live the life a nomad. At some point, it might preferable to find a boat. If you're on a boat in the middle of ocean, the odds are good you're safe. The zombies don't ever seen to cross bodies of water. You could fish. If you were on a fresh water body of water, you're have water readily available. You'd need a grill to cook the fish on. And there'd be the occasionally trips to shore for kindling.
Trips to shore would need to be scouted, but the nice thing is that zombies always seem to be more heavily concentrated around areas with a bigger population. So, as long as we could get to the river, get a boat filled with gas, we would most likely be safe seeing as we'd get to heavily wooded areas of beach.
Of course, those areas of beach wouldn't be totally omitted from zombie presence. A sharp shooter might be useful, a skill I think I need to start working on...
Or maybe...I could just learn to sail a big Spanish galleon! Yes, yes! Learn to sail like a pirate! Live on the water like a pirate! Find a nice handsome pirate to save species with!
Oh, things are looking up already!
Now...I just need that damn zombie out break to happen!
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