My favorite smurf is Jokey Smurf.
I’m sure its going to come as no surprise to those of you who know me or have read enough of my blogs to hear that (and no, I do not mean in the Ted Kazcynski-Una Bomber sort of way).
He knew the value of a joke. While Papa was all serious, Vanity was stuck in his mirror, and Brainy flipping out, Jokey had no stress and just laughed.
While I would like to say think that I encompass the spirit of Jokey, I know I do not. I do get Papa Smurf serious. And every now and then, I have a Brainy Smurf meltdown. But, if the opportunity presents itself, I make sure to let Jokey’s influence bubble to the surface.
Case in Point: Christmas Time.
Last year, I sent Andrea on a movie-quoting quest to capture her present. Kevin’s Xbox game was wrapped in several packages, and we gifted someone with a “donation” made to the Human Fund (Seinfeld reference).
I was aware that this year would be hard to top all that.
I tried to think of ideas to top the Human Fund for our family gift exchange (a la Chinese Christmas, Yankee Swap, Dirty Santa, etc).
I knew what I wanted my gift to be. Beer. Alcohol. Wine. It’s pretty much always the same. But I wanted “disguise” it. My family KNOWS what a case of Bud Light looks like. And to get maximum amount of fun out of this game, I knew I had to hide the beer.
I tried several ideas.
They were so terrible I can’t even remember what they were.
And then, watching Christmas Vacation, brilliance struck.
I literally wanted to say “Hallelujah! Holy Shit!”
Yes, my gift would be disguised as “The Jelly of the Month Club.”
Because I’m pretty good with Publisher, I got these grand ideas involving tri-fold brochures and certificates. I would pimp this faux-gift out.
But things being as they are and work being crazy as always and considering all of the wine bottle I drank while on a week-long vacation, it was the morning of Christmas Eve and I had the brochures and certificate to complete.
I pull out my MacBook and realize that I don’t have Publisher.
Yeah, I cussed as I pulled up Microsoft word and formatted the document so it was landscape and three columns. Then I had to figure out what went where like where would the cover be, the back, the insides. So I folded up a test paper and began to sketch in my mind where I wanted everything to go.
I sit down and then all of a sudden want to kill someone.
I have forgot to mention that Hans, the sister’s Danish fiancé is in town.
Well, Andrea is wrapping presents and Kevin and Hans are sitting on the couch ABSOLUTELY annoying the piss out of me!
Hans keeps saying
“Freda Felcher…From Cranston…”
And every time before he says it, he does some elaborate “fillidallying” thing with his tongue. It is permeating my brain driving my crazy. Andrea isn’t too happy with it either. And then Kevin begins mimicking Hans.
I put the laptop down and berated them. It didn’t help. I was seriously about to screw up my prank because of some screwballs who were completely ridiculous and if they were both closer in weight to me and not 100+ pounds more than me, I would have SO beat them down.
Andrea got involved.
Finally, they shut up.
The brochure and the certificate got done. After a few edits and changes, I printed it out on some really nice tan paper to make it look “official.”
I stuck it all in a weight sack with an actual sample of jelly in it and I was ready for the games to commence.
At dinner, I was sitting with my sibs and my cousin Brennan who asked me what I brought for the gift exchange. I try not to disappoint. I didn’t out and out tell him, but I told him that if he knew my M.O., that he would not be disappointed.
Then I told my little buddy, eight-year-old Brenton, which gift was mine so he would “steer” people to my gift. Sometimes this works, sometime it doesn’t.
Brennan, my older cousin was the third person to draw, and this time, it worked. He picked up the gift Brenton pointed out and asked me if this was my gift. I shrugged my shoulders and Brennan pulled out a blue folder that had all of the information for the Jelly of the Month Club. He looked at it and laughed. Then read it all out loud for us.
“Is this for real?” he asked me.
“Look at the ‘flavor of the month’ and read December’s,” I said to him referring to the panel that showed the showcased jelly .
The “flavor” for December was Bud Light and Boone’s Farm.
When I buy, I aim to please everyone. Bud for the boys and Boone’s for the girls!
And no, I didn’t disappoint!
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