This Holiday season, I am thankful for things I comprehend. People like my sister. Though her motivations don’t always parallel mine, I can count on her. Christmas deer I comprehend. They are easy for people to display and even easier for me to rearrange. And come on, children are going to learn about the birds and bees somehow, might as well start telling them early so they can be properly prepared and SAFE! Teenage pregnancy is a very selfish thing and I’m not even going to get started on that.
Shopping is easily comprehended. I pick out something for my friends and family (or me), hand over the plastic to the store clerk who scans the card and the credit card company then sends me pieces of paper in the mail that is called a bill. Something I can choose to pay all at once or in increments. Sales are even easier to comprehend and if I think I’m getting a bargain (and moving the decimal one place to the right equals ten percent, then you multiply as need be for twenty, thirty, and forty percent) I will shop the hell out of that sale!
My dogs, nothing is easier for me to understand than my dogs whose number one motivation in life is food. My dog is severely loyal to me until food comes into the picture. Then his loyalty lies with whoever has the food. The one thing about the dog that I cannot understand is his constant obsession with food. He’s never been starved! He eats twice a day, a nice meaty organic dog food that was free from the Chinese tainted dog food crisis, and gets treats, again organic, from whomever he can con at the time. The only other thing to understand is his constant need for attention which can easily be helped by petting, cooing and making sure he understands that he is beautiful, smart, an angel, mommy’s baby, precious, and the best thing that has ever happened to me. Yes, he is high maintenance, but I understand it and I give it to him.
I understand sports. I understand that Chicago will not win the World Series no matter how good their season, that Tony Romo will ultimately choke because of his current girlfriend, that T.O. will run his mouth, that some countries will knowingly cheat to get Olympic gold, that no one can touch Michael Phelps in the butterfly events, that Madonna has a penchant for young athletes, that steroids will never fully be out of sports, that the BCS stands of Bunch of Crap and Shit because no one understands it, that Cubans’ birth certificates are never right, that IU will be terrible this year at both football (same story) and basketball (thanks Sampson), but we can hope that next year the basketball team will start to turn around. I understand this stuff.
I understand that work is not fun. That if it was fun, it would not be called work. I understand that there are some people who will never see things your way no matter how you try to change their minds. It’s called an opinion, and an opinion is like an asshole…everyone is one…I mean, everyone has one.
But what I do not understand are some people!
I consider myself a fairly low-maintenance kind of chick.
Anyway, I’m busy and have been the target of a couple of speeches that have placed me in the position of being way too busy. So, when I start hanging out with people busier than me, I try to cut a little slack. And I don’t ask for 100% of a person’s time. I’d never get any work done, never have any time for me, and probably end up killing them which would lead to life in jail and then the positive of having quite a bit of time for me but the negative of being around either butch women or addicts. What I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to call me everyday, you don’t have to text me every day, or email me everyday, but it would be nice to know that every now and then I’m being thought.
As long as I know I’m being thought about, I’m good. We don’t need to go out on the weekend. You can have fun with your friends; I’ll have fun with my friends. Maybe we’ll mount some deer, maybe we’ll see some movies, maybe we’ll get drunk and pretend we’re reality TV stars with my camera. Who knows! All I ask for is one text message every now and then! And I’ve done the math. If someone spent ten seconds out of the 86,400 seconds in a day sending me a text message asking me how I was that would use up .0012% of their time during the course of a day! That is one-point-two ONE THOUSANDTHS of time during the day! That is what it takes for me to stay happy! I then would know that someone had thought about me because they spent one ONE THOUSANDTH of their day to ask how I was! That it may have been fleetingly, but someone had cared enough to check.
Seriously, I get that a person is busy. I’m busy! I have weeks where I work over 60 hours and still get paid like I’m working 40 hours and I still don’t have health benefits! I work Saturdays, Sundays sometimes, I know about being busy. I know that when I’m swamped and trying to get things out, the last thing I think about doing is getting in touch with one of my friends. However, if friends e-mail my work address, I will get back with them. It’s not that I’m trying to keep out of touch, I’m just busy.
So in someone’s down time, when a person knows my cell, knows my e-mail, and can message me on Facebook, what would hold a person back from saying “Hi, how are you today?” Probably because they think I’m a dork. And they would be correct. But, tell me what it is. Is it my curly hair? Well, that’s the perils of hanging out with me. It’s not like I can hide the fact that my hair is big enough to house a Volkswagon. Is it because I’m a dork? Well, then good riddance! Can I quote too many movies? Sorry, but that’s apart of me and my randomness. But had I known these things, I probably could’ve guessed things weren’t going to work out and just would have let them disintegrate on their own.
Anyway, I’m now done trying to make things work. I don’t care anymore. I’ll be a bitch like everyone else, and say “Screw the World,” while disregarding well-meaning texts from people I deem less than worthy and only reply to those texts that are inside jokes like when Andrea sends me one that says “…Missing,” or when Jada sends one that says “Four for you Glen Cocoa! You go Glen Cocoa!” Only those people will get the replies back.
*Oh yes, Rachie, I’m not forgetting you because I’ll know you’ll have a BF! “A what? A bitch fit!”
*Kevin, you’re also on the list too. Especially if you quote Silence of the Lambs.
Now, can someone please tell me if I’m being unreasonable. Am I unknowingly a high-maintenance person? I’d like to know. Any remarks? Anyone?
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