Christmas morning dawned bright and way too early for me. We had been at my uncle’s house until about 11:00 p.m. celebrating and drinking from his top-shelf stocked bar (that’s how we roll), when we headed home. Being the ridiculous HKs that we are, we didn’t go to bed right away. We popped in a movie. But before we sat down and vegetated in front of the TV, Andrea went into her room to talk to Hansi Baby, giving her brother and her sister plenty of time to stow little slips of paper into 10 particular DVDs. We’ll get to this in a minute. So, we tucked in and watched a movie, then hopped into bed later in the evening.
In years past (back in the day when we young) we would literally wake up at the ass crack of dawn to open our presents. Even once we stopped believing in Santa Claus because our p arents properly spoiled us, so we couldn’t wait to see what we had received. However, in the recent years, we’ve known exactly what we are getting, so the novelty of waking up early has lapsed. Our mom waking us up has replaced the HKs waking their parents up in a crazy, gift-opening dementia that has to be dealt with immediately. So she gets us up at 8:30 a.m. I think she is on crack.
Mom puts Kevin’s present in front of him and then Kevin, Andrea, and I divvy up the gifts from us to us (Did they make any sense?). Andrea’s first gift she opens is from me. Probably not the best gift to open at 8:30 in the morning after an evening of family-drinking, but what the hell.
“I already know it’s empty,” she responds rather ssarcastically, I must note, and proceeds to tear off the wrapping paper. She makes sure to cuss me a few times because I wrapped it as tightly as I could and then like a true bitch, I taped the box together like tape was going out of style.
“So that’s where my tape went,” my mom responds. Too bad this is the tape that Andrea bought.
She unwraps it and says, “Merry Christmas. Now, let’s put a smile on that face and play a Christmas game. Go grab the DVD this quote is from.” With her glasses on (because it’s too early and she didn’t want to deal with contacts), she looks up at me with her spectacled eyes and says, “Dark Knight,” and she makes no20effort to do as the directions say and get the movie.
“You have to go get it,” I tell her as I laugh and record the ensuing shenanigans.
She opens up the Dark Knight and grabs out another piece of paper. I get a dirty look. “Yippi, ky, yea, mother fucker,” she says exasperated. And then grabs Die Hard but gets annoyed at Kevin and me, and let’s us know that she is not reshelving the DVDs. I order Kevin to pick up after her. Perks of being the oldest.
“Four for you Glen Co coa, you go Glen Cocoa,” she says and manages a chuckle. She knows which DVD it is, but I have to guide her to where the movie is shelved. (High school movies, some drama, and horror are currently kept in the LBs room. And yes, I did work at a video store in college.). She grabs and reads: It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again. I.e, Silence of the Lambs, an HK Supreme Favorite.
And so it continues for a total of 10 movie quotes, and Andrea bitching and moaning the entire time as she opens more DVDs to find more quotes. Finally she opens Sleeping Beauty (Maleficent is magnificently evil) and finds a poem that tells the whereabouts of the presents. Andrea reads it and stumbles over one word, “begets,” pronouncing it “beg-its.” Kevin and I crack up as we correct her. She makes sure we know it is early and that we are ridiculous.
She goes off in search of my closet and a purse that is in it for it holds her Christmas gift. She comes back and cusses some more because once again, The Christmas Wrapping Bitch has struck again and wrapped her present tighter than a Bolivian wraps a cigar (obscure Seinfeld reference, sorry). She unwraps it finally and sees three CDs – The Veronicas, Pink, and Paramore. After thanking me, she begins to pry them apart. Not exactly easy since I got little slap-happy with the tape once more.
However, she got her present unwrapped and then it was…Kevin’s turn…
Poor Kevin. He had already suffered at his older sister’s clutches when she decided to play the ‘ole wrap a box in a box’ trick for his birthday present – AC/DC Rock Band. But since he’s the most likely culprit behind leaving the garage open that aided in someone relieving me of my Ipod (Don’t worry little, bastard, I’m getting an Ipod touch that will say in engraving on the back “Stolen from Erin Hobgood), I wasn’t too upset to play another trick on him.
“Santa” was generous enough to get Kevin an Ipod touch for Christmas. “Santa” wanted to play a trick on Kevin and enlisted the assistance of her most devious, witty, and creative elf – Erin Hobgood. Since Erin had lost her Ipod, she had no problem pulling another trick on her brother (And yes, I agree the third-person thing is a little creepy, but I’m sticking with it).
So Erin came up with a Christmas poem, printed it out, and “Santa” took the Ipod out of the case and put the poem inside. Kevin opened his gift and got real excited until he opened the case and saw that no Ipod was indeed inside. He pulled the paper out and read it. The Ipod was being held for ransom. If Kevin did his Newsie dance, we would hand it over. He tried to plead ignorance, so with the help of another clever elf, Andrea, Kevin did the George Costanza “Marissa Tomei” dance and then proceeded to do The Rock’s little turn and shake dance from the Movie Be Cool. You know, the scene where he is in the Boot Mart trying on the powder blue suit with the red boots…yeah…Kevin did that.
And I have it recorded. But if I show it to anyone, I will probably lose a hand…maybe an entire arm.
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