Yes, another post. I know, I’ve been a busy little bee. I tend to find writing cathartic. There is a direct proportion in the amount of stress in my life and the amount of writing I do.
So…you do the math.
Anyway, Wednesday was the glorious day known as April Fool’s Day. As someone who appreciate a good joke, telling a joke, retelling a joke, living a joke, being a made a joke, this is a day I can get into.
However, every good April Fooler knows that their shelf life is short-lived. And I’ve had some good jokes on my mom too:
1. I faked severe stomach cramps and nearly caused her to leave school to check me into a Bloomington Hospital
2. I told her IU was hiring Rick Pitino to be the head basketball coach
3. She answered the phone to hear me crying, telling her I was on top of the counters looking for spices when I slipped, and hit my arm against the counter…It might be broke. I heard tires screech through the phone and she told me her boyfriend had just run a red light and then were taking me to the hospital.
4. The best though, the coup de grace, the pièce de résistance, my masterpiece would be the terrorist attack in Atlanta. But more on that later.
It seems a bit superfluous to say over the past few years I have got my mom good. I think that goes without saying. But what tends to happen to the fool is that they begin to grow weary on April 1. And really, it’s hard to top a terrorist attack April Fool.
What a good April Fooler has to do is grow, change, and evolve. And when in doubt, enlist the help of able-bodied siblings and family members. And plan simultaneous April Fool’s if need be.
Like this year’s April Fool’s on my mom. I called Kevin on Monday and alerted him to my favorite day. He said we would talk. I hadn’t heard from him come Tuesday and got nervous, and came up with a new idea.
I called Melody knowing Melody liked the Twilight books by Stephenie Meyer and that she had a co-worker with a teenage daughter. I had Melody call mom and tell her Midnight Sun (the book from Edward’s point of view) was being released on Wednesday. She called me and told me. I was going to “get busy” on Wednesday and not be able to pick it up and have her go buy it. Only it wouldn’t be there.
But before I could execute this plan, the little brother called. He persuaded me to ditch the book idea and go in with him. We tossed around several ideas: him joining the military after college (I told him she wouldn’t believe); him getting an internship w/ the IU communication department (too lame he said), him getting an internship in Chicago to film for Playboy (totally unbelievable), him dropping out of college (He has a semester and a half left, she wouldn’t believe it), “But,” I said, “She would believe you failing a class.”
So we worked it out that Kevin would call her and “confess” to failing classes.
After he called and “laid the trap,” he called me back to tell me about.
“I put in a fucking Tony-winning performance,” he told me.
Apparently, he told her he was failing not one, but two classes. She totally fell for it too according to my brother.
“Now, you have to call her and tell her its all fake,” he said, “because I told her you were weirded out by me failing.”
“What! You brought my name up into this?!” I asked incredulously.
“Yeah,” he said.
“Are you sure she fell for it?” I asked getting wary now. She would have to know this was all a joke now.
“Yes,” he said. “So call her, get her to fall for it little bit more and than tell her April Fool’s.”
Well, we figured out three-way calling so Kevin got to listen as I led mom along. She answered sounding defeated, and I asked her if she had heard about Kevin. She said she did and then proceeded to vent a bit. I asked her what was going to happen, and we she said probably another semester that he would have to pay for because the divorce decreed that my father was only obligated to pay nine semesters. She then dropped the bomb that he was failing not one but two classes and could get a ‘D’ in a third class.
He laid it on thick. And after I got her to say that he was probably partying too hard, Kevin’s voice was heard over the line.
“Mom,” he said and she got silent. “April Fool’s.”
“Oh my god!” she shrieked. “You fuckers! I knew, Erin, I knew you were going to try to get me but this is low! I even thought for a second that this was a possible trick, but you, Kevin, you just sounded so upset.”
Yes. I am a master.
How big of a master? Well, see my best prank below.
Four years ago. April 2005. Kevin was still in high school. My mom is a high school teacher. So they all went on a family vacation to Florida that year, everyone except me (I’d been a few weeks earlier on my spring break).
With everyone gone for the week, they dogs went up to school with me. I was technically not supposed to have dogs in my apartment, but I could get by with having them for a week, so the weekend they were to be home, I drove down to wait for my family.
April Fool’s Day was on a Friday, the last day of spring break. On this particular day, there was rain all the way from Michigan to Florida, so they were driving through rain the entire way. Not only that, but there were a lot of RV and campers in the traffic. Retirees with motor homes and campers rent out parks on a monthly basis and it appeared that most of them didn’t stay for the month of April.
Anyway, I’m sitting at home when I get a call from my college roommate. I had been expecting the arrival of a pair of Ugg Boots that for some reason got shipped to my hometown before being re-routed to Bloomington. I had sent her a text asking if they were there because according to the tracking website, they were delivered. She fooled me and said they hadn’t been.
So, I was sitting at home sulking a bit, tracking my family’s very slow process when my best prank came to me…
Atlanta has a huge airport.
A plot originating out of Atlanta wouldn’t be that hard to swallow.
Not only that, but my family still hadn’t made it to Atlanta.
With a plan and renewed purpose, I flipped open my cell and dialed. “Mom,” I said. “Have you guys got past Atlanta.”
“You know damn well we haven’t,” she said.
“Well…umm…”I said trying to sound nervous and not overly excited. “The police and FBI…they uncovered a terrorist plot. In Atlanta.”
“Son of a bitch!” She curses.
“They found a car full of explosives outside the airport. They’re now stopping all incoming cars into Atlanta and searching the vehicles.”
“Well, that’s jus fucking marvelous,” she says and I hear her shout in the car, “Kevin, get out the triptych and find us a route around Atlanta, the fucking terrorists are fucking there.”
My mom doesn’t cuss a lot, but it’s easy to see where I got my mouth.
Anyway, about that time, the call drops. One of the problems with interstate travel is inconsistency in cell reception. I call back, but it tells me the wireless customer cannot be reached. Ten minutes later, I still can’t reach them. I’m beginning to panic now because she’s looking for alternative routes and one of the alternative routes involved something with Alabama (I gleaned that little nugget through static before the call evaporated from the airwaves).
Frantically, I continue to try until finally I get through.
“Mom,” I ask, “Have you made the detour yet?”
“No,” she says, “We’re trying to pick the best way. This is just perfect…just perfect. Are they saying anything more? It would figure that with this traffic and this weather those terrorists would have to do something today, today of all days.”
“Yeah,” I say nonchalantly, “Today of all days, especially being April Fool’s Day.”
She’s quiet for a minute. “April Fool’s Day?” she asks a little shocked.
“Yeah,” I say. “April Fool’s!”
And when she got home, twelve hours later (this was supposed to be a 12-hour trip that ended up being 21 hours) I was even happier when I didn’t receive any bodily harm!
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