MY ASS - The World's Eighth Continent!

I am tired. I am exhausted. My muscles ache. And yet my ass is still as big as a barn.

Before you rush to judgment, this wasn’t my first workout since the new millennia dawned. I workout six times a week (Remember the Propel), sometimes more! I do plenty of cardio, sit ups, Yoga, and now that its getting nice out, its running because Tom Cruise (the puppy named Mac) has gone nuts when I’ve came home and wanted to (and Mommy is a sucker for him when he wants to run even though she hates it).

Yet my ass is still considered the eighth continent. I can’t even shrink it down to the size of Rhode Island.

Which leaves me to the conclusion that no matter how much I work out, no matter how much I kill myself, and push myself to the breaking point, I won’t shed a pound.

And I’m not a big eater. I do have a soft spot for sour gummis but I don’t eat them everyday.

So I’m starting a new diet. Not low carb, not high carb, not low fat, not only trans fat, it’s called the No Food Diet.

The No Food Diet is the commonly accepted diet of anorexics the world over.

Some of the problems associated with the No Food Diet are dizziness, lightheadedness, a tendency to pass out, hunger pains, weakness, hallucinations, and in extreme cases, death.

The No Food Diet works by simply not eating. Without any food to extract any nutrients from, the looks for nutrition in stored fatty cells. Essentially, your body begins to eat itself.

The Zero-Caloric intake coupled with all of my exercise should FINALLY give me the negative-caloric intake needed to begin shedding my backside of the reservoir of fat known as my ass and hips.

My goal is go from a size 4/6 (depending on the store) to a size 0/2 (depending on the store) in three weeks.

As my friend, I need you to be on diet duty. No piece of food is to end up in my mouth.

Yes, I realize this is extreme and that a size 6 isn’t considered big by some, BUT I’m not exactly tall. Short people have less room to hide any excess weight, so when we do have excess, we end up looking short and squat.

But now thinking about this, I’m thinking about my body’s tendency to lose weight. What’s probably going to happen is that my ass either gets bigger or stays the same while I lose a cup size (and being a B-cup, I don’t have much to lose).

If this No Food Diet Plan of mine fails, that leave liposuction as my only means of ridding myself of the growth on my backside. Once the fat has been removed, I will then have it placed in my breasts in an effort to get back the cup-size I lost.

Now remember: If you see me eating (starting on March 9, 2009) please slap the food out of my hand and then with a brick, hit me upside the head.

It sounds drastic and desperate, I know.

But desperate times call for desperate measures.

And nothing is more desperate than my ass being labeled the world’s eighth continent.