Taylor's Tales of Trouble and Woe

I was having a bad day when I left the gym only to find my car wouldn’t start. I was having a horrible day when not even a week later, my Ipod Video was stolen (but I’ve gotten the last laugh now bitches! And I’m lovin’ my Ipod Touch you fuckers bought me!). When I got pulled over for speeding two weeks later, I knew I was just having a horrible fucking month.

But, I can thank my lucky stars because all of those problems were fixed fairly easily. A diagnostic test had my car fixed in 24 hours for less than $100 (which is good for engine problems). Insurance helped me get my new Ipod Touch. And I’m over the age of 25, so I just paid the ticket and won’t have to worry about my insurance going up.

And I didn’t even come close to this kind of bad time.

There are days that are just plain bad.

There days when I know I should’ve stayed in bed.

But then there are those days where you sit and think: Did that really just happen? Is this really my life? What it has been reduced to?

Before you go any further, THIS IS A TRUE STORY (As everything I write is, and while most of this stuff is QUITE fantastical, this story really is a cut above the rest). It needs no embellishment; it is sadly the tale of a boy named Taylor and the last tragic few days of his present.

Now don’t go skipping through my FB friends trying to find “Taylor.” Taylor is a name to hide the true identity of this poor soul who I know because his sister is a close friend of mine. And I know Taylor won’t be happy with this anyway when (and if) he reads this, but I would have my ass kicked if Taylor knew I put his real name in here. And I don’t think his sister would be too happy with me either, although I know she has laughed at Taylor’s misfortunes.

One weekend in the not-so-distant past Kayla (name also changed) couldn’t get a hold of her brother. She called him in the morning and afternoon to no avail. Her mother also could not reach Taylor and around 4 p.m. they begin to panic.

Had Taylor lived in town, they could’ve driven over to his place until he and his drunkenly comatose friends answered the door. But Taylor didn’t live in town. So they continued to call his cell – each call going straight to voicemail.

Kayla had Taylor’s best friend’s number and called him. The friend made some calls and found out that little Taylor had made a reservation at the ever-so-quaint County Lock-A-Way. Apparently he was picked up that morning for Public Intox and was still sobering up in the County Lock-A-Way.

Once sober and home, Taylor used his friend’s cell phone and called Kayla and let her know that he was fine, that his cell phone had been broken since Thursday and he had bought a new one. The new one was supposed to be delivered on Saturday but since Taylor wasn’t home (he was at County), he had to pick it up at the post office on Monday.

On Monday, Taylor reported to the courthouse (after picking up his new cell). He’s now on the deferral program and will have to attend alcohol training where I am told he will learn about alcohol, alcohol poisoning, alcoholism, and the effects of alcoholism on your loved ones. They also present you with this neat little wheel thing that will help you calculate how many drinks you how have consumed and roughly how drunk you are!

Note: I myself have not taken alcohol training. But I know people that have. I *have* taken defensive driving. My little speedy self then traded notes with my drunk friends and have came to the conclusion that both are a waste of time, that we know what we’re doing, and we know the consequences of our actions. And seriously, I’m not the person who has to be told what to do if my hood suddenly flies up. I’m going to cuss while I pull over to the side of the road. Not choose one of the other options: 1. Look through the small slit at the bottom of the windshield, 2. Put my head out the window, or 3. Use the rearview mirror and drive in reverse.

*Honest to god those were ACTUAL test questions.

Because of the ridiculousness of the course matter, I find it hard to believe that the State wants any of us to benefit from this material. It’s just a way for them to make a quick buck.

Now, Back to Taylor…

Then a few days later, Taylor and his roommates are watching TV when things start to get out of hand and Gatorade spilled all over Taylor’s Ipod Touch rendering it useless.

So, Taylor had to buy a new phone, has to pay for a time-wasting alcohol class, and has to buy a new Ipod (not really, but that will be kept on the DL, right Kayla!).

You would think this tale of trouble and woe would end there.

But you would be wrong.

Taylor’s bad luck continued into the next week when he was backing out of a parking spot at the exact same time someone else was.

Yes. That’s right.

Taylor wrecked his car.

He wasn’t at fault, but still…his bumper is now crunched to all fuck. And he was going to drive to Florida in his car in four short days for Spring Break.

So Taylor had to call his father who is nuts about money and his children making mistakes (although Kayla claims she has heard from his parents and her mom that her father was quite the hellion, he just managed to evade the strong arm of the law).

He wasn’t happy with Taylor, but he did say “Well, I guess shit happens.”

If I was Taylor, I might’ve added “Yeah, shit happens! Like you spend the night in jail, have your cell phone break, then your Ipod ruined, then fuck your car up!”

But Taylor isn’t quite as outspoken as me. Kayla might’ve said something like that though had any of this tale of woe happened to her during her college days.

And so that concludes Taylor’s Tales of Trouble and Woe.

As I stated before, this story needs no embellishment, it is simply one man’s struggle in the past eleven, twelve days. And since we all know bad things happen in three (Kayla told him the Ipod was canceled out, thanks to her quick wit), we hope Taylor’s troubles will take a turn for the better.

P.S. I went to start my diet on Monday, but I was kind of drunk when I decided that and completely forgot my Aunt was stopping by and how I have to feed her these really lovely, exquisite chocolates from this little shoppe called Stephen Libs. So the diet will be starting next Monday, March 16. I would appreciate it if you refrained from braining me with a brick.