A-Rod, the Britney Spears of Baseball!!!

Wow…

It’s a word I use in a rather sarcastic, snarky manner to convey to the other person that I clearly think there’s something wrong with them.

Example:

Joaquin Phoenix is going to become a rapper.

My response is: Wow.

And it was the one word I uttered when I came home early, turned ESPN and saw A-Rod standing in front of a mirror making out with himself.

Exactly.

Wow.

Ok, I have to say this and get this off my chest. A-Rod is the Britney Spears of baseball. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, A-Rod has more in common with Britt than he may with other baseball players.

Let’s see: Both are extremely well-paid. A-Rod does have more talent than Britt, but Britt’s a name, an image. Both are a bit of trainwrecks. For example, A-Rod and the whole stripper affair and Britt shaving her head. Both are fodder for tabloids because of their outrageous behavior. Both are divorced with kids. Both have enhanced their image with help: Britt used a plastic surgeon, A-Rod used steroids. And last but not least:

BOTH HAVE KISSED MADONNA!

See, I’m not as crazy as you think. So you can choke on that “wow” you know you said after I said A-Rod had more in common with Britney than he does with Derek Jeter or Albert Pujols.

Anyway, I’ve held my tongue long enough. Through the wife-swapping, the swapping saliva with Madonna, and the steroid-filled syringes, but I cannot keep quiet any longer. Someone needs to stop A-Rod.

He may not have shot anyone, but A-Rod needs a Pac-Man caliber babysitter because the man is just clearly not all there. Scott Boras, please get your client some help…STAT!

So, what am I finally opening my mouth about? Well, the interview and photo shoot that will be the cover story of Details next week. And I’m not too ashamed to say I will buy it. Because I will. And I will ridicule every single shot A-Rod took in it.

For those of you who have yet to see these pics…well…as stated above – A-Rod is standing in front of a mirror making out with himself.

After seeing a picture like that, it’s nearly enough to make me hang up my pinstripes and finally convert to the Cubbies. But the thought of Derek Jeter makes me change my mind.

And the “make-out” pic is only one of eight. While it’s obviously the most off the wall one, the others are still good.

Now, before I start explaining these photos to you, you must realize a couple of things about me. I love fashion. Vogue is my favorite, but Elle and InStyle make the cut as long as they have a hefty purse section. I like off-the-wall, outrageous fashion shoots too. I like to see the avant-garde on display in some totally ingenious shot. Not only do I take my fashion seriously, but I love my Top Model (and I would love to hang out with Miss Jay). The sister and I can accurately predict the bottom two and who is going home after we’ve seen the challenges and the pictures at panel. But enough about that, and more about A-Rod’s pics…

A-Rod is making $28 million this year. 1/28 of his salary would make me a happy person for life! He is anything but a pauper. However, in his picture he is posing on a mattress that may or may not be covered in piss stains with a random tire in the background. The only thing that’s missing from these photos to really add sparkle and charm is the random homeless man holding a mysterious brown paper bag (ok, you know it’s booze).

And it’s not like he’s modeling the clothes – he just has on some gym shorts and a sleeveless tee – to show some sharp contrast between rich and poor, decrepit and immaculate, chic and gauche. The photos are only A-Rod trying to be sexy, and judging from the pictures, he appears to think he has done a pretty good job of that.

For some reason I’m too Sexy by Right Said Fred is playing on repeat in my head…very peculiar.

Now, one photo shoot isn’t going to derail a career. In some cases a “scandal” has made someone a bigger star (Remember Miley and the Vogue/Annie Liebowitz photos and Paris and her sex tape/DUI?). And maybe if it hadn’t been for the stripper in Canada, his wife and the “Fuck You” t-shirt at a Yankees game, the sex with Madonna (Mrs. A-Rod’s sex with Lenny Kravtiz), and the steroids, people wouldn’t be ragging on A-Rod and his obviously narcissistic love for himself. This is why I have a few rules that I try to follow as a non-celebrity and would hope to follow as a celebrity:

1. If you set yourself up for public ridicule, don’t be pissed off when it happens (the ridiculing)

2. If you make a sex tape, it will be leaked to the public the minute the other party thinks they might be able to make a buck off the footage.

3. Naked pictures will come back and bite you. If they must be sent, make sure no easily recognizable features are in them.

4. It’s okay to lack intelligence, but make sure to surround yourself with intelligent people who can talk for you.

5. If you hire a publicist make sure she knows the difference of the meanings “stature” and “stature.” (I’d like to thank T.O.’s publicist for that one).

6. If you’re at a frat house or somewhere with a ton of people, you better know that some jackass is going to figure out a way to make money off of you if you wrap your lips around a bong a la Michael Phelps style.

7. Plastic surgery is like good grooming in Hollywood. So pony up to your new breasts and don’t say you grew two cup sizes overnight.

8. The more famous you become, the less privacy you have – and you never have near as much privacy as you believe you have.

9. If you have the money, hire a driver. Then you never have to worry about DUIs.

10. If you act like a jackass, a bimbo, or a moron, don’t get pissed if people don’t take you seriously.

If you feel you must make a sex tape, but still worry about it being leaking, say things to physically criticize the other person. Like “It doesn’t get any bigger?” “Is it in?” or “Wow two minutes this time instead of one! We should videotape all the time!”

Anyway, A-Rod, you would be wise to learn those rules. Scott Boras, you would be even wiser to duct tape A-Rod’s mouth, hire Super Nanny, and never let him out unsupervised.

Clearly the man was not blessed with common sense.